The feeling of loss started for me when my oldest daughter turned 16. This birthday made me keenly aware that I had limited time left with all my kids at home, just two more treasured years.
As my daughter entered her senior year, reality hit harder. Once she left home, our family dynamic would change forever. What I’d known for almost two decades was coming to an end.
When you love being a mom and find your greatest joy in your family, this transition brings grief. If we think about it too long, we can believe our best years are behind us.
But what I can say now, three years later and with two kids in college, is this: There is so much joy on the other side. There are countless new blessings to come, but when your child is still at home, you can’t imagine it yet.
Why? Because the blessings haven’t manifested. You haven’t climbed to the top of that mountain to get a view of the other side.
Instead, you only feel the loss, especially as the senior year countdown begins. Senior year is a time of savoring every possible “last.” Their last homecoming. Their last game. Their last birthday at home. Their day of high school. The year flies by, barely giving you time to soak it all in.
And when your child finally leaves home, it’s heartbreaking and sad. Even when you know they’re ready, you’ll feel a heaviness in your heart and a void in your home that nothing can fill.
What nobody can explain, until you get there, is what older moms say: If they’re happy, you’re happy. It’s true. As you see your child’s world expand with new friends and exciting experiences, you can’t help but be happy for them.
You’ll know they’re where they’re meant to be, maturing in new ways that just aren’t possible under your roof.
This helps you make peace with change. It offers a glimpse of God’s plan.
Philippians 1:6 is a helpful verse: “And I am certain that God, who began the good work within you, will continue his work until it is finally finished on the day when Christ Jesus returns.”
As parents, we take our kids as far as we can during their 18 years at home. We teach everything we know, nurturing them, protecting them, preparing them for reality.
And then, it’s time to release them to the bigger world. We let them fly when they’re ready so God can continue the good work He started.
The question for parents is, what next? How do we cope as we miss our child?
The first step, I believe, is to grieve. To be honest about how we feel and carve out room to be sad. For some people, this takes weeks. For others, it might take months.
It’s tempting to stay stuck here, always wishing for the past, but that’s not helpful. At some point, we have to embrace the next chapter and notice the blessings still in front of us.
Our college kids want to see us happy. They want us to miss them and be available, but not to the point that we lose all joy. That’s too much pressure to put on them. This is why I believe in expanding our heart, our world and our mindset. As my kids leave home, a five-word motto has brought me joy: “Love the ones you’re with.”
In other words, invest in the people you still see. For me, this looks like:
1. Reinvesting in my marriage. Honestly, Harry and I needed this. We needed to reconnect after years of playing divide-and-conquer as four kids pulled us in different directions. Too much time apart is never good for a marriage, and God is gracious in letting our kids grow up. It helps us reprioritize the adult relationships we put on the back burner.
2. Enjoying my children still at home (and their friends). This has been a game-changer. It makes the time pass quickly as I wait to see my college kids. I love driving my youngest daughter, Camille, and a carload of her friends around. I love hearing their laughter fill my home. With my third daughter, Marie Claire, starting her senior year, I’m prioritizing time with her, too. Having just two kids at home gives me extra capacity to connect.
3. Spending more time with my friends and siblings. As kids leave home, we end up back with the people who were instrumental in our 20s, like old friends and family. I’d put these relationships on the backburner as I raised kids, and it’s been fun to reconnect. We need these people more in the second act of our lives.
4. Making new friends through work. Travel was hard as I raised four girls. My time was limited. Now, with just two kids at home (including one who drives and dances every day), our schedule is light. I don’t miss much when I’m gone for a day or two, and since Harry can hold down the fort, I can accept more speaking invitations. This has been a great source of new joy as I meet the best women in other communities.
My question is: What does “love the ones you’re with” mean to you? Who’s in your daily life today?
Maybe it’s your mom, your kids at home, your spouse or old friends. Maybe it’s your siblings, coworkers, Bible club or pickleball team. Maybe it’s the new friends you’ve made as you pursue a new dream.
Whatever relationships are in front of you, invest more deeply. Give them extra time and energy. Parlay your mother’s heart to love someone else’s child, too. Make peace with change and find new joy.
For most moms, we’re always happiest when the whole family is together. We live for these moments, yet as we wait, we can expand our world to enjoy new experiences — just like our kids who leave home. It makes them happy to see us happy. The blessing works both ways.
Kari Kubiszyn Kampakis is a Mountain Brook mom of four girls, author, speaker and blogger. Her bestselling books are available everywhere books are sold. Join Kari on the Girl Mom Podcast as well as Instagram and Facebook.
